Women’s Day Run

Ah, March, my favorite month! A whole month dedicated to loving women!

The day I’ve been waiting for has finally come: today is the International Women’s Day Run. I’m feeling so good that the second I wake up, I hit up my ex on the “Gram” to spread the positivity. “Even though we broke up because it’s like you’re always on your period,” I message, “I’m glad you can vote. #senecafalls!” I change the chat theme to Women’s History Month to drive the point home.

Today I’m wearing my three Shiro T-shirts from past runs, all layered thiccly. Throughout the school day, I make a point of running after every woman I see and screeching my appreciation until Mr. Moran intercepts me coming out of my 10th period English.

“You dratted Discord mod incel,” he spits, stepping closer and looking down at me. 

I whimper. How does he know about the two gaming clubs I run? “I’ve been getting reports about a student who’s been chasing girls and female staff around school today. Know anything about that?”

“Nuh uh uh! Toodle doo!” I Naruto sprint into the nearest staircase, but Moran is hot on my trail. Suddenly, something stops me in my tracks.

“WOMEN!” I shriek. I then writhe double-jointedly. “I APPRECIATE YOU!” The girls coming down from the above floor stop and stare at me.

Moran grabs the collar of my shirt as the girls run away.

“This is what I’m talking about!” he snarls. “All day I’ve been getting so many reports of you harassing people.”

“Oh yah?” I say, cocking my hip. “Reports from who?”

“Every single one of your teachers, your ballroom partner…”

“Quiet coyote. Shhh,” I quiet coyote him.

Mr. Moran’s eye twitches.

“Listen,” I say. I hold out my hand as a peace offering. “Let’s just appreciate women together today. Okay?”

He takes my hand. We spend the next hour jogging side by side along the Hudson, basking in each other’s company. When Moran and I pass the benchmarks, we have the volunteers stamp our pecs, right over where our hearts are. I never shower, so the stamp’s as permanent as a tattoo—a friendship tattoo.

“Promise me we’ll always stay in contact,” I cry, clinging onto Moran’s arm as we walk back into the lobby. “BFFs for lifers,” I sniffle. I wail my goodbye.

Boy, was he annoying. I wipe away the sweat that had leaked into my eyes and head over to the extra credit table to fill out the form. Since I skip a lot, I can’t remember which teachers I have, so I just put my name under all of them. Someone offers me post-its and a Sharpie to shout-out women on the women’s appreciation wall, but I had prepared in advance with a roll of Scotch tape and pre-printed pictures I took of the 9,307 women I’ve met. When the security guard comes over and tells me to stop, I grab the last free Ziploc bag of citrus drink mix before leaving.

“Pssst,” someone hisses from the elevator as I walk past the women’s bathroom. I glance over. A person in a trenchcoat and a hat that shrouds their face in shadows peeks at me from around the corner.

“Wazzup?” I say, coming over. I like making new friends!

“Pass me those packets of powder, wouldya?” they say, motioning for my baggie.

I huff, quickly shaking my head. “I took the last bag and I have a vitamin C deficiency, so my doctor said I need to drink this. Sorry.”

I don’t actually have a vitamin C deficiency and I hate the American healthcare system, but I don’t like sharing. Trenchcoat Person looks behind me, seems to see someone, and starts frantically begging.

“Please please please uwu meow meow,” they whine, clinging onto my leg. Since I’m in public, I have to act like I don’t like this, so I throw my drink mix bag at them to get them to stop.

“Thanks.” Trenchcoat Person gets up, opens the packets of powder, and pours them into a new, empty Ziploc bag. “Now shoo.”

I am very confuzzled but I start walking away. Someone approaches Trenchcoat Person, hands them a few bills, and takes the Ziploc bag in exchange. I’m really confused. The drink mix was for free, so I dunno why they paid. But then another woman walks by and I forget everything I just saw.

“I WANT TO UPLIFT YOU!” I scream.