Stuyvesant Math Department Shaken By Organized Crime Scandal

The Stuyvesant community is in absolute uproar over the recent Pupilpath data leak exposing that the Math Department has been linked to several well-known, organized crime groups. In exchange for their silence and protection, they have been offering these groups the bottled essence of student suffering.

It is believed that some of the city’s top gangs have been buying these bottles from the Math Department for decades. They were first approached by gangs in the mid ‘90s, when they discovered that the chemical created by overstressed and overworked teenagers in math classes was an extremely good agent for promoting loyalty and control. In return, they were granted funding, much of which was either embezzled directly or laundered through the robotics team.

The weekly, painful exams that leave many students in tears along with lengthy, ridiculous, and completely unhelpful summer assignments that completely negate the point of a break, all coupled with the “evaluation” that no one grades or ever looks at, were part of the plan to make students’ lives miserable. There were siphons hidden throughout math classrooms that absorbed the chemical releases caused by student stress. These were then bottled, and the transfer was made outside Pier 40.

We reached out to concerned parents, who expressed their dismay at the news.

“I can’t believe I let my daughter come here,” said one sophomore parent. “I knew we should have gone with Staten Island Tech. This treatment is unacceptable!”

“Yeah, that tracks,” one senior bluntly said after being told about the scandal while buying his third Monster of the day at Ferry’s.

We tried to reach out to Mr. Smith for a comment from the Math Department, but he left our e-mail on “delivered” for almost a week. All that his eventual response contained was a message from a teacher we had already questioned earlier, vaguely saying that the accusations were “not true lol.” Seeing that he was still trying to squeeze us for his fool’s gold, we decided to stop pursuing the Math Department for information. They have yet to release any official statement. Unfortunately, while the investigation is taking place, we will still be forced to sit through the same math classes, despite the accusations of exploitation. The administration has reminded students that all tests and classes will continue as normal, and that your suffering being used for profit does not make learning any less important. In response, there will be a riot held in the Hudson Staircase during fourth period every day for the next week. Everyone is encouraged to light a fire, scream primally, and have a jolly good time.

Please note that any of the slander of the Math Department does NOT apply to Ms. Yang, who teaches AP Statistics during ninth period in room 429. She is a blessing and makes math class fun for me every day. Neither I nor any of her students would ever think to slander her!