Incoming Freshmen Follow Facebook Advice

As September nears, incoming freshmen are at a loss for how to prepare for their first year of high school. Both eager and anxious to thrive in a school as massive as Stuyvesant, these students seek a safe haven, open arms willing to accept and help those of all kind: Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2022…WE HAVE ADVICE!.

Freshman Imnew Anderson was particularly nervous regarding how massive the school actually was. “10 floors?” exclaimed Anderson, seemingly out of breath from those two words alone. “I don’t think I’ve walked up that much in my life!” Lucky for him, incoming senior Angelo Lan was generous enough to leave him some advice through Messenger. “Once you notice that the escalators are usually more often broken than working, getting around the school can be somewhat difficult,” said Lan, much to Anderson’s displeasure. To ease the boy, Lan offered to sell him an elevator pass.

Through a $20 transaction via Venmo, Anderson received an e-mail with an attached document of a poorly drawn elevator pass, which he excitedly printed out. On the first day of school, he was unfazed when seeing that his third and fourth period classes had a nine-floor gap. No one seemed to notice Anderson striding toward the elevator. Much to his confusion, he met a security guard on the fourth floor who instructed him to exit the elevator, and much to the security guard’s confusion, the boy insisted on showing the same drawing as an excuse. “Based off the poor drawing, it seemed important to get the boy to his Art Appreciation class immediately,” officer Amy Kavinsky said.

While freshman Phrightened Lu was engaging in an open discussion with her friends on what to wear on the first day of school, she was soon contacted by sophomore Eliesabeth Sanderson, informing her that Stuy had a uniform policy. This policy stated that no matter what you were wearing to school, you must wear or carry at least one item purchased from Stuy’s school store. Lu then proceeded to buy apparel of every color available, much to her mother’s credit card’s disapproval.

On the seventh day of school, Lu was struck with fear once she noticed that she forgot to wear her Stuy apparel. Running to the school store, she spent the $7.00 given to her for emergencies on a Stuy mug that she made sure to carry with her to all of her classes, refusing to even put it down while doing push-ups during P.E. in fear of getting dress-coded.

Incoming freshman Lana Fisher was curious about how difficult it would be to make friends. To calm her worries, senior Taylor Chung informed her that building relationships was the easy part and that clubs at Stuy allowed you to make friends from all grades. Chung told Fisher to look out for freshman hunters in particular, since they might as well be her ticket to the most enjoyable high school experience she could have.

“Juniors are the jackpot when looking for freshman hunters, they’ll give you high school fun all four years,” reassured Chung, much to Fisher’s confusion. She soon learned that it would mean JProm and Senior Prom her first two years and then another JProm and Senior Prom the next two years. She began her search for the perfect prom dress excitedly.

After days of fake elevator passes, mugs in P.E. classes, and freshmen tailing the upperclassmen, a petition was released to shut down Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2022…WE HAVE ADVICE!.