Dear Football Gods, From a Patriots Fan

Dearest Football Gods,

Tom Brady just threw an uncharacteristic interception on the 18 yard line with 6:27 left in the second quarter. The Patriots’ #1 defense just surrendered 28 points and the third quarter has barely begun. LeGarrette Blount fumbled in Atlanta territory and has 16 rushing yards in 8 carries. I’m panicked. Heck, the Falcons committed multiple penalties on defense seemingly every time the Pats had failed to reach a first down. But still, no touchdown for New England.

Is it me? I mean, I write this to you guys whilst sitting in my lucky seat wearing my “authentic” Brady jersey that my dad got from a business trip in China. (The last time I wore it in public was during the 2015 Super Bowl and I need not remind you of what the result was then.) I don’t remember walking under any ladders today. Haven’t we suffered enough? Our supermodel quarterback was framed (I deflated those footballs, don’t believe anything saying otherwise), and you make us down 18 points to the… Falcons? Not a single ESPN “expert” picked them to be featured in the Super Bowl at the start of the season, and that’s who you choose? Out of all teams, the Falcons?

If you can’t beat them, join them.

I can’t say I’m a big fan of the Falcons organization (although Arthur Blank, the owner of the team, did attend my Stuyvesant High School), but there are some serious connections between Atlanta and New England that make this a**-kicking a little tougher to stomach. I mean, Bill Belichick has employed both Tom Dimitroff Sr. and Thomas Dimitroff during his tenure as coach for the Cleveland Browns and New England Patriots, a father-son duo born and bred into football. After all, Thomas Dimitroff has been Atlanta’s General Manager since 2008. Falcons Assistant General Manager Scott Pioli was recruited by Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick in the 80s as a player, and worked alongside Belichick in the player personnel department for years since.

Signs of Belichick tutelage are quite apparent in this… massacre (please let that change) and to my disdain, these teams have shown to be quite similar. Both Atlanta and New England are at the top of the league in turnover margin per game (+0.8) in 2016, and sport gunslinger quarterbacks who lead the league in passing yards.

All I ask, Football Gods, is that you give us a chance. Give us Gronk back for a quarter, another Malcolm Butler interception, another chance to stick it in the face of Roger Goodell. Open the flood-“gates,” let the barrage of passing begin. We haven’t been in this position in recent memory—the phrase, “Patriots need a comeback” even sounds weird now.

Trust me when I say, on behalf of Pats nation, that we need this dub more than ever.

Or do it for Tommy, because what else does this man need more than a supermodel wife and a lifetime supply of UGG boots other than five super bowl rings? Or you could do it for the fans, because if coaches like Josh McDaniels decide to become the head coach of another team bound to relocate within a few months, we might not see more of these again.

Yours truly,

Dean Steinman

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