The Spectator News Department Finally Publishes the Truth

 

On a day during this month, a change occurred in the school’s policy for something—something important, mind you not. Although the administration announced this development three weeks ago, the writer had to study for his AP Chemistry exam. Fortunately for the author, a slow news week convinced his editors to publish this article.

Here’s where I get to the important details of this policy change. Having fallen asleep during the three-hour long School Leadership Team (SLT) meeting, however, this task has proven especially difficult for the author. Nonetheless, the reporter can take solace in the fact that the new policy is common knowledge amongst students by now and that the news ceased to be relevant even before I began writing about it. Furthermore, 95 percent of the student body will have stopped reading this article right around now.

For you—the 5 percent—who have chosen to continue reading this article, I will attempt to tell you the tale of how this policy change came to be. “So you’re telling me that I pushed for this change? It’s been so long that I don’t even remember. Sorry, but I can’t be bothered by you muckrakers,” Student Union (SU) Vice President Tahseen Chowdhury said in an e-mail interview.

Despite the student body having an obvious lack of interest in the topic, the reporter approached the school administration to get the quotes for an acceptable article. “Did you schedule an appointment 13 months in advance? The open-door policy doesn’t apply to The Spectator—otherwise we’d be really bored here,” the principal’s secretary asked as she skimmed through President Donald Trump’s latest book, “The Art of Getting Rid of Journalists.” In the meantime, another principal’s secretary furiously typed away at her computer in an attempt to continue her record year-long streak of snubbing reporters.

In a stroke of luck, the Assistant Principal of Safety, Student Affairs, and Health and Physical Education Brian Moran was walking towards his office. The writer decided that this would be a good opportunity to gauge what Moran thought about the issue, so he asked for an interview. “Wait, are you recording this on your cellphone? Sorry, but I’m going to have to confiscate that,” Moran said as he removed the device from the writer’s hands. “Congratulations, you played yourself.”

Eventually, the writer was able to enter the principal’s fortress. “You know I really value The Spectator,” Interim Acting Principal Eric Contreras said. “I set up fake meetings to fill my schedule, lock my door, and hire the best guardsI mean secretaries—but you guys still manage to get through. You don’t see determination like that these days.”

In a last ditch effort to gain some meaningful insight for this meaningless article, the writer did the unthinkable and approached the Assistant Principal of Organization. “Wait, you’re from The Spectator? I thought someone finally volunteered to help me with these AP forms. Go away,” she said. After the writer persisted in his attempts to get a quote, the A.P. responded, “Cash me ousside. Howbow dah?”

Since deadlines were approaching quickly, the writer ignored interviewing protocol and private messaged his friends for the student perspective on the issue. “Yo, it’s 2:00 a.m. wyd my guy? hmu with math hw im tryna pass this class too,” an anonymous source said.

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