Why We’re All Cannibals

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Imagine being carted away and going through painful sterilization treatments as soon as you are born. Imagine being shredded into tiny little strips or being squeezed to death between two ever-closing walls.

All these horrors, and more, are being committed to millions of innocent little Cheese blocks every single day. They have no childhood. They experience no pleasure; instead, they are forced into slavery before they are even named! Their voices cry out for mercy, and yet we continue to slaughter them unknowingly.

Toward the beginning of Earth’s history, humans evolved from the earliest apes, creating the Homo sapiens. What many do not know is that the first humans weren’t dark-skinned: they were fluorescent orange. Or rather, they were ancient descendants of what we know today as American Cheese, who originated in modern-day France. These were a relatively peaceful species of herbivores. After thousands of years, however, a group of Cheese began to split off, growing arms and legs and becoming the earliest humans. The two groups were peaceful at first, but eventually, the humans, who could not hunt down enough food, began to prey upon their brothers, ultimately enslaving them. Millions of years later, that relationship remains the same. We continue to commit genocide by ruthlessly killing off Cheese.

There are hundreds of animal rights movements pressing for animal equality, yet there are none for Cheese. In the end, it’s mostly racism that keeps us from protecting the Cheese. As a minority race, the Cheese have simply had no say in the world’s white-dominated societies. In addition, even if they could form coalitions, there is the rather unfortunate aspect that they cannot speak. This makes it extremely hard to convince people of Cheese’s sentience, yet I can assure you, they can. It’s like with water bottles — you can’t necessarily hear them talking, but you know that they’re alive.

That’s why I urge you to stand with me to stop eating Cheese, and forego cannibalism once and for all. We should establish schools for Cheese, not kill them.

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