Trump to Fire Those That Don’t Vote For Him

The 2016 U.S. Presidential primaries have been swamped with chaotic media coverage since last year, but recent news from inside the GOP may weaken the delicate state of the union even further. Republican Presidential Candidate and CEO of TrumpLandia Donald J. Trump announced plans to furlough workers whom he deems “stupid enough not to vote for [him] as President”.

TrumpLandia is a company that includes thousands of distinguished employees who have worked under Trump’s command for years. These workers are all experienced, knowledgeable and ready to expand the enterprise. But Trump’s plan to mix business and politics has understandably elicited mixed responses.

“My buddy over at HR didn’t vote for Trump, so I guess he’s kind of screwed,” said TrumpLandia Clerk-with-a-Pancake-face Mitt Romney. “Honestly speaking, I have no idea what this crazy guy is gonna do next”. Not many of the employees were happy, especially TrumpLandia Intern Marco Rubio,who was crying so much that the floors needed to be wiped with the mop of Capitalism.

Meanwhile, TrumpLandia Manager Hillary Rodham Clinton had this to say: “The thing is, this demagogue act that Trump’s putting on is sickening the nation faster than a Jersey Shore marathon. It’s insane. He’s exploiting the most animalistic, basest fears out of a sick need to gain power. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to check my personal and professional email account.”

However, a handful of the prisoners employees at TrumpLandia believe that they have made the right call at a low cost. “I was one of the first people to publicly back Trump. I’m probably getting a promotion soon, so I’m stoked,” TrumpLandia Janitor Chris Christie said. “Trump is a perfect candidate, because he’s a businessman. America is a business. Businesses need to be lethal, strict, and occasionally hostile to Mexicans, Muslims, Syrian refugees, immigrants of all kinds, those who speak any other [language than American], and any other hair color other than orange. And it’s not like I’m just saying that to keep my job.”

Trump agreed with Christie’s statement and said, “In the end, I’m just doing what a shrewd businessman, and an off-the-walls fascist dictator would do.”

When asked to elucidate his plans, Trump had this to say: “Basically, the primaries are going to be the first of three stages to determine if you’re gonna stay in my company. Anybody that doesn’t vote for me immediately fired and deported to Mexico. Like my future as president, the other two stages aren’t really well thought out yet, but I’m getting there.”

Upon the annunciation of these plans at a press conference, Trump was surprised by the amount of questions he received, so surprised that his hair was momentarily stood still, before continuing to dance the Cha-Cha-Cha. One reporter asked, “Sir, how do you explain the logic of thinking about America as a company instead of a country?” Trump declined to answer, reportedly because he didn’t know the meaning of the word “logic.”

Wasif Zaman

"Wasif" is a (male) human life form that exists to write queer and uninteresting short stories that interest no one whatsoever. In his free time, he enjoys reading anything from comic books to classic novels and everything in between. He wishes he could make some friends but he has discovered that human contact is his biggest vulnerability, given that he was banished from his home planet Xorthon and delivered as a "gift" to human kind. I can't believe I just had to write that. That's just sad. Really, really sad.

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