Trump and Putin Plan their First Date

Putin and Trump on a horse
Art by Christine Jegarl

The following is a series of e-mail interactions between U.S. President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin taken from Trump’s private e-mail server:

 

To: Vladimir Putin <[email protected]>

From: Donald Trump <[email protected]>

Subject: Talk Russian to Me

 

Vlady,

My e-mail address may not seem familiar to you, but it is me: The Donald. I had to make my e-mail something completely unrecognizable, so that if this “unclassified system” were to ever be discovered, I could claim that this isn’t my personal e-mail. After all, everyone knows that I’m number one in everything, not number two.  

Now that that’s over with, the main reason I e-mailed you was so that we could discuss alleviating the existing tensions between our countries. I was thinking that we could celebrate our one-month anniversary by building twin walls around our countries to show our unity. Or maybe we could suppress some minorities or nationalities together?

 

To: Donald Trump <[email protected]>

From: Vladimir Putin <[email protected]>

Subject: Re: Talk Russian to Me

 

The Donald,

Thanks for the clarification. I don’t think I would’ve been able to tell otherwise. You claim to want to bring our countries closer together through this wall-building, but to me it seems like you want to show your admiration for China. I must admit that your wall-building desires hurt me more than Ukraine’s rejection of my love. I will, however, take you up on the suppressing minorities part. I need to take out some of the frustration I’ve been feeling in certain areas. I think you would agree with me that blocking their representation in the government is the best way to brighten a day.

Getting back to what I was saying, I thought we had something special between us, but it seems to me that you desire China’s admiration more than my own. And what have they done for you? You wouldn’t be anything without my help! If you love China so much, go engage in an alliance with her.

 

To: Vladimir Putin <[email protected]>

From: Donald Trump <[email protected]>

Subject: Re: Re: Talk Russian to Me

 

Vlady,

Now Putin-pie, you know that I can’t stand to be without your company. I want you by my side as we dominate the world with our wall-building abilities. I have built the yugest wall around my heart, and you are slowly tearing it down.

Imagine the things we could do together! We could knock out ISIS with our combined nuclear power! I think we should meet in person to further discuss our future plans together. I suggest the Law Library of Congress because even if we were seen there, no one would believe it’s us, considering our lack of knowledge of the law in both our countries.

 

To: Donald Trump <[email protected]>

From: Vladimir Putin <[email protected]>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Talk Russian to Me

 

The Donald,

I agree, let’s meet on Valentine’s Day to talk about our future relations. However, let’s meet at the Mexican Supreme Court Law Library because it’ll be even more unbelievable that we chose to go to Mexico together in the first place. Can’t wait until then!

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