Stuyvesant Speaks to Harambe Through Ouija Board

by Tiffany Leng

The Stuyvesant Spiritual Club, in an attempt to attract members, promised to contact Harambe with a Ouija board during its interest meeting last week.

“We were planning on broadcasting the results across the loudspeaker,” senior and co-founder James Lee said. “At first, we were worried that no one would believe us, but then we realized that all the other clubs said that Stuyvesant students could ‘make a difference in the world.’Turns out, lying to the student body is acceptable, if not mainstream.”

In preparation to the event, which received over 100 “goings” on Facebook, Lee managed to secure the 11th floor pool through the SU website and purchased several hundred bananas using funds embezzled from the profits of the Harambe pins.

“I’m sure Harambe will be starving to death when his spirit talks to us,” treasurer and junior Charlie Fletcher explained. “And what’s worth more, feeding Harambe’s spirit or donating to the Wildlife Foundation to improve the lives of living animals?”

Despite the fact that no one showed up for the interest meeting, Lee, along with several other club members, decided to proceed with the events. “They probably couldn’t find the 11th floor pool,” Sophomore Caucus Vice President Elizabeth Chen reasoned. “Silly freshmen.”

Gathering together, the group silently placed their hands on the Ouija board, waiting for some magical force to mystically move all their hands. The club members repeatedly asked “Harambe, how are you?” for half an hour, when, suddenly, a mysterious and otherworldly force seized sophomore Wilson Wang’s hand and forced him to spell out the letters “D-E-A-D.”

Bewildered, the other club members ran out of the pool, screaming. Unfortunately, in their haste to escape, the members trampled over a group of freshmen who had finally found the pool.

“We were so excited to talk to Harambe,” scared freshman Holly Hills said, “but then, all of a sudden, I was on the floor with a mass of upperclassmen stepping on me.” In a later interview, Wang admitted that he hadn’t felt any presence of Harambe and that it was “just a prank, bro.”

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