Students Overwhelmed By Colleges’ Attempts at Courtship

“When I got the 10th ‘We want you’ letter from UChicago, I knew there was a problem,” senior and Linguistics of Visual English (LOVE) Club President Carl Edgegaud said, whose first term of senior year was not only filled with a heavy course-load, but also stress from what he calls “flirt notes.”  

“When the 11th letter was a fancy cut-out of all the coolest places to hang out in Chicago, I was a bit flattered that they had bothered to even send me something so well-thought out and artsy, but then I saw the ‘You’ll love it here’ in big, bold, Garamond letters, and I was starting to get a bit freaked out,” Edgegaud said.

“And this isn’t the only one,” he said. “UMass sent me two e-mails with the subject ‘RE: We Love Your SAT Scores! Apply Now! XOXOXO.’ Why does this keep happening to me?” Carl pleaded, while opening up his locker.

In an instant, a flurry of 400+ letters and e-mails from colleges flew out and onto the floor.

Of the 400+ letters, 200 of them had at least one of the following emojis: the heart, the 100, the fire, and the kissy face. There was even the occasional aubergine. A hundred of the letters were formatted on corny post-it notes with sixth grade-level flirting dialogue. Remarkably, 10 of the letters were stylized in the format of English Romantic poet William Wordsworth’s “She Dwelt Among The Untrodden Ways,” except all references to ‘she’ in the poem were replaced with Edgegaud’s first name.

“So far, I’ve had to file a cease-and-desist letter for three Ivies, six Hidden Ivies, and a bunch of safeties,” Edgegaud said. “I’m still getting the mail, and it hasn’t stopped. I’m kind of worried about how far these colleges will go to get my attention and whether or not it would even be safe to attend their campuses.”

Other seniors are not too happy about this.

“I’m honestly kind of jealous. I have 14 ZeeMee accounts—two are linked to my regular and e-mails, the other 12 were created using temporary e-mail addresses on a VPN from Romania—and I still haven’t gotten a single letter from Harvard. What does a guy have to do to prove his DEMONSTRATED INTEREST?” senior Traing Toohad said.

Former seniors aren’t surprised.

“Colleges have a dark sense of humor, believe it or not,” Thedarc Wan (‘14) claimed. “The only typed word on the white rejection letter I got from Princeton was ‘LMAO.’ I actually think this Carl Edgegaud guy should bask in the attention he’s getting, at least for now. When results come out, he’ll wish he got more love letters.”

In regard to these unsolicited notices, the Stuyvesant College Office has released this statement: “Around this time of the year, we request that all seniors ‘stick to their core list’ and make sure they don’t make any random changes so far into the year. Our office is also receiving a lot of ‘unsolicited mail.’ Good luck!”

Following this mass e-mail, 200 seniors lined up near the office, holding apparel bags, water thermoses, cardigans, shirts, and other “goodies.”

When asked what they were doing, senior Nobad Yiznos ignored our question and said, “Cornell Admissions sent me a heart on their latest ‘RE: Are you a thinker or a dreamer?’ e-mail, and I looked into Old Babylonian notions of existentialism in relation to hedonism, and that made me look up the Platonic theory of eros, which basically says that beauty is found in idealism. And you know what else is ideal? Getting into ALL OF THE TOP TIERS! So I’m applying to 20 more schools now.”

When asked the same question, senior Eli Itesm replied, “What that dude just said.”

Shaikat Islam

Shaikat Islam enjoys reading comic books and among other things, watch great films and write short stories. Shaikat has interest in the ethnocentric, societal, and political fringes of the world we live in today. He also attempts to induce laughter; silent or audible. Note: Attempt.

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