Much to the dismay of his close friends and peers, freshman Kevin Mitchell has reportedly yet to realize that his voice has dropped too low for him to go trick-or-treating this Halloween. With Mitchell unaware that puberty caused his voice to drop from Spongebob Squarepants to Barack Obama over the past 12 months, Mitchell’s friends say they fear reactions from potential candy-givers will give him a harsh and sudden awakening.
“It’s unfortunate, but [Mitchell’s] voice has really gotten to that stage where they’ll stare at you for a moment, and then decide to give you a fun-size Twix instead of a full size,” said freshman Joseph Lee, who, like Mitchell, is also oblivious to his voice’s recent drop from Dora the Explorer to Ice-T. “I figured he would have taken the hint when Ms. Hall told him his voice was changing and to come back in three months, but remarkably he still hasn’t noticed.”
According to physical education teacher Philip Fisher—who has taught at Stuyvesant for the past hundred years—this is an all-too-common occurrence among freshman males. “Halloween is always tough for freshmen,” Fisher said. “Their voices usually sound either too deep to trick-or-treat, or too high to be trick-or-treating without a parent.”
Other teachers, such as English teacher Philip Mott, say they aren’t sure what all the fuss is about. “What’s wrong with a low voice?” asked Mott, who informed The Spectator that he would indeed be trick-or-treating tomorrow night, as he does every year. “Who cares if they look at you funny? Free candy is free candy.”