STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL—Senior Deepak Ali was working diligently on his particle accelerator this past Thursday when, all of a sudden, his inner circuitry started acting out. He initially figured that his hard drive must have been scratched or that his motherboard was heating up—but he would soon discover how wrong he truly was.
“It was really weird,” Ali reported. “First, there was this thump-thump noise coming from my chest, and my eyes did this really weird thing—water started to come out of them. I consulted WebMD to see if anything was wrong, and the ‘most probable diagnosis’ stated that I was having a stroke which was triggered by a long history of diarrhea. Given the credibility of WebMD, I figured that was it. But when my mother forced me to visit my doctor, he told me that my ‘heart’ was beating and that I was ‘crying.’ I didn’t believe him, so I did some more research online, and it turns out that I actually have a minor case of senioritis. They really grow stupid doctors these days, don’t they?”
Ali is not the only senior to have experienced this biological anomaly. Many other students have noted a serious decline in their work ethic, as well as the strange desire to do “human things,” such as cry while watching a beautiful sunset or other “silly mundanities.” Senior Daniel Johnson was spotted crying on the floor when he could not read at his usual top speed of 95,000 * 10^6 words per minute.
Having caught on with the mass hysteria, Assistant Principal of Health, Safety, and Student Affairs Brian Moran has decided to take charge. Starting next week, therapy sessions, led by Moran himself, will take place in his office.
“I’m just doing my duty,” Moran said, wearing a long, black monk robe that he keeps in school just in case anything like this should arise. “These students can’t afford to be human now, not while they’re at their academic prime—I believe there is a demonic force at play here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an exorcism, I mean a therapy session, to conduct.”