NYCDOE to Introduce School Lunches with Less Rubber

In a major victory for the health and nutrition of children attending public schools, the New York City Department of Education (NYCDOE) has announced a new nutritional initiative to reduce the amount of rubber used in school lunches.

“As it stands, rubber accounts for about 30 percent of the material used in school lunches,” NYCDOE spokesperson Carla Delaney said. “Some very recent research has led to some revelatory scientific breakthroughs. Apparently, rubber is unhealthy. At the Department of Education, we only want the very best for the children of New York City and are taking steps to significantly reduce the amount of rubber within the next five years.”

Foods most likely to be affected by the new Rubber Reduction Initiative (RRI) include the cheese used in hamburgers and sandwiches, the beef used in the cheesesteaks, and the mandatory “fresh” fruit. “These foods have the highest concentration of rubber per gram of substance and have been deemed the most dangerous to our students’ health,” junior August Hochman said.

According to many, this change is a long time coming. “I’m very excited to see what this change means for the overall health and nutrition across the city,” freshman Matthew Carlson said. “I mean, I can’t even recall how many times I’ve choked on hunks of meat at this school.”

However, this initiative has been met with controversy. Some even say that they will miss the rubber currently found in school lunches. “I used to have a nervous habit of chewing on erasers,” junior Jacqueline Moshkovich said. “But then, I decided just to keep some of the school lunch beef in my mouth and chew that instead. It lasts for hours, and it has the exact same flavor and texture as an eraser does. It’s also probably a little less dangerous to ingest, I think!”

Others say that the rubber in the school lunches can be useful. “When I run out of staples, I use the cheese from the grilled cheese sandwiches we get in the cafeteria to stick the pages of my biology labs together,” sophomore Daisy Kim said. “If the cheese no longer contains rubber, it won’t be that perfect rubbery, tacky consistency anymore.”

The RRI will go into effect at the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year. “The NYCDOE could get rid of the toxins in the food right now,” Hochman said.“That’s mad work, bro.”

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