Letter From a Stuyvesant Jail

Stuyvesant, it is not a good morning. This is your student announcer, Michael Espinosa, and if you’re reading this, please send help. It’s been two months since I’ve been locked up, so I haven’t had any wi-fi access. I can only imagine how angry my friends are after I broke our Snapchat streaks. I just hope that I can come out before January 20 to see Hillary Clinton’s inauguration address.

Do you think school food tastes awful? Tired of the few options offered? Well, stop by Riker’s Island after 10th period on Thursday, January 5, for the interest meeting of the Student Announcer Vacancy Elimination (SAVE) of Michael Espinosa (M.E.). Learn how to make the cardboard I’m fed on a daily basis and experience what it’s like to be waterboarded. You can even hear a guest talk by your current student announcer, Cassandra Joseph. Find out how she’s coping with this terrible loss and how you can help make a difference in bringing back Michael. Yes, there will be food. (It just won’t be edible.)

Worried about getting sick from eating jail “food”? The prison doctor will be here on Tuesday, January 10, from 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. If you would like team medical, working papers, or just want medicine for the terrible nourishment, please make appointments in advance in room 371. You will be able to see the doctor without an appointment; you’ll just have to give up your weekly call. Thank you for your cooperation.

Congratulations to the girls’ badminton team for their successful raid on the prison late last week. The team freed 138 prisoners with senior Kathy Lau leading the way with 45 personal liberations and three guard tower demolitions. The team looks to repeat their success during their first playoff raid at Guantanamo Bay in March (and maybe when you’re done you can come back for me?). Go Birdies!

Seniors! Your Senior Caucus is looking for ideas for the senior prank. If you would like to submit an idea for how the class of 2017 should go down in Stuyvesant history, please report to Ms. Damasek’s office (Room 207) after 10th period on Monday, January 19. Your ideas are completely anonymous, so make sure not to tell anyone where you’re going. See you there! (Actually, I won’t. But you get the idea.)

Monitors are needed in the janitorial office: room 203. I share a cell with none other than the famous election rigger: senior Asher Lasday, and he makes a mess of this place everyday. The other inmates aren’t much better. They work twice as fast as I do which forces me (the least productive person) to spend some nights in solitary confinement. Although the number of people I talk to makes me feel like I’m back at Stuy, I’m under the careful watch of a guard who makes sure I can’t dig, climb, run, or write my way out.

And now, please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance:

I Pledge Allegiance
To the flag
Of the United States of America
And to the flagpole
On which it stands
Outside, in the yard,
While I’m stuck in here,
With Liberty and Justice for me…Maybe.

Have a wonderful day, Stuy. And if anyone is willing to send me some soap, I would greatly appreciate it. I won’t drop it. I swear.

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