Lady Gaga’s “The Cure” Debuts as a Song and Treatment

the cure
Art by Klaire Geller

After the release of singer Lady Gaga’s “The Cure” Friday night at Coachella, its impacts have not only shaken up the entertainment industry, but another quite unexpected industry as well—the pharmaceutical industry.

“I’ve never seen anything quite as extraordinary as this before,” CEO of Gilead Sciences John Milligan said. “I’ve had deprived-of-new-Lady-Gaga-music syndrome for over a year. I couldn’t sit still in my office pretending I actually had something to do and my body violently shook if ‘Bad Romance’ wasn’t playing, but after listening to this thing, all the symptoms were magically gone.”

Several of the Coachella attendees who spoke on the condition anonymously have also reported strange recoveries after listening to the song, and as a result, Milligan reached out to Gaga Saturday evening.

“I wanted to create a song that was more than just another failure,” Gaga said. “Since I’ve watched all the seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ which basically makes me a certified physician, I used my medical skills along with my extremely amazing vocal abilities to compose this song.”

After a mulch-million dollar contract agreement, Milligan was successful in marketing the song as a cure for “general discomfort and non-specific anomalies.”

“The Cure” has seen its greatest impacts in school, especially at Stuyvesant itself, where a large portion of the population is failing classes, feeling sick from sleep deprivation, and experiencing a caffeine overdose.

“‘The Cure’ is really a game-changer and lifesaver for me,” school nurse Danielle Karunadasa said. “I’ve never been to medical school because I couldn’t pass biology, so I didn’t know what I was doing. How can you pass if you had Ms. Maggio? Now with ‘The Cure,’ all I need to do is tell the student to strip down and hand them the music, which they just listen to for a period before leaving. Oh, and don’t worry about the stripping. I need to monitor them. It’s all medical purposes. Nothing happens. We’re not Brooklyn Tech.”

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