Junior Found Dead Under Six-Foot Tall Pile of College Mail

college mail
Photo by Kaia Waxenberg
Last week, a Stuyvesant student was found dead in her room under a six-foot tall pile of college mail, consisting of at least 100 letters. Junior Alexa Berg was covered in paper cuts. Her fingers were in between a letter from the Ohio College of Clown Arts. Her mother said that right before she bled out she was trying to brush her teeth with a letter from Colgate University. Her autopsy also showed that she ingested the brochure from Hamburger University. Her last words were, “Going to Ball State University would really have been baller.” Unfortunately this ball did not give her life.

When her parents tried to call for help from her phone they were unable to due to the unending stream of e-mails arriving in her inbox. These threatening e-mails, with subject lines such as “Alexa Berg, we know you,” “You have to visit us,” or “Don’t call the cops, Alexa Berg,” made her mother fear for her life as well. Also, spending too much time on Naviance caused Berg to go blind. The downward spiral was very quick.

According to witnesses, the day before, Berg had been elated when she received a packet from UChicago. On Facebook she celebrated her college acceptance despite not even starting the Common App. She got several more packages and reached a state of euphoria that clouded her brain, causing her to miss her college counselor appointment the next day.  She also failed to realize that these letters were only glorified brochures.

Few of her peers showed up at her funeral because, according to an anonymous source, they were busy completing the college surveys. A moment of silence will be held on Decision Day in her honor. Her college counselor, Elizabeth Hughes, sobbed at her funeral, saying, “If only she had come to the appointment, I would have told her to unsubscribe.”

Berg’s mother felt similarly. “Now my daughter will never be able to go to a top Ivy League like I’ve always wanted,” she said. Another letter arrived today from Harvard, inviting her to attend the “lively and vital information session that would change her life.”

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