Five Steps to Taking an Aesthetic Selfie

1. After buying the Momofuku Milk Bar’s Cereal Milk Soft-Serve, find a brightly colored mural in the Lower East Side or East Village, and push all other ‘grammers out of the way.

2. Wear an alien graphic t-shirt from Brandy Melville, a choker, black Converse, and distressed boyfriend jeans. Also, wear nerd glasses, even if you have 20/20 vision. If Warby Parker is overcrowded, poke the lenses out of a pair of those plastic 3D glasses they give out at movie theaters. Looking intelligent, but not intimidatingly intelligent, is in.

3. Tilt your head to the right at a 37.56 degree angle so that you are facing your Natural Lighting Selfie Lamp from Amazon. Never look directly at the camera. Instead, turn your face toward your armpit, so that you can simultaneously check if you remembered to wear deodorant and look as if you are contemplating the use of literary devices in “The Sorrows of Young Werther.”

4. Be natural.

5. Wear reflective sunglasses that cover three-fourths of your face so that only your defined jaw line and fleeky brows are visible. If you are not currently in possession of a defined jaw line and fleeky eyebrows, you needn’t worry. There are plastic surgeons and aestheticians out there to help you.

6. Bleach your hair, arm hair, leg hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, and ear hair to match Gwen Stefani’s luscious locks.

7. “No filter” is always the best option.

8. Download VSCO and upload your photo. Use the A4 filter, set the exposure to +2 (+3 if absolutely necessary), contrast to -2, temperature to -1, and the highlights tint to blue. Don’t touch the fade option. That’s just unnatural and disgraceful.

Voilà, your photo is now worthy of being posted on Instagram! Be prepared for an influx of likes and completely genuine comments saying “Wow #goals,” or the classic “[eggplant emoji].” If you get any relatively positive comments, be sure to deny that they apply to you and say, “No, you are!” Be sure that you have cleared out your schedule beforehand so that you can spend the next six to 26 hours refreshing your photo.

However, if the ratio of number of likes to seconds after posting isn’t 1327:4, you might as well just delete the photo. That most likely means the Williamsburg mural you were photographed in front of wasn’t aesthetic enough, or even worse, that you touched the fade option. But remember: If someone bullies you, don’t be afraid to report it! You are beautiful just the way you are, and nothing matters except for what you think. Don’t forget to take a picture of my inspiring post and tag me in it!

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