Donald Trump Attempts to Appoint Captain America for Secretary of State

In a speech delivered last week, President Donald Trump expressed his shock and disappointment after discovering that Captain America is a movie and comic-book character. Trump had previously intended to appoint Captain America for Secretary of State, following a careful analysis for a potential bipartisan nominee.

“This tragic discovery is very bad for the people of the United States,” Trump asserted. “Captain America would have used his Super-Soldier Serum against ISIS. His shield would have been a temporary solution to the illegals. Just whack them back!”

Trump had first learned about the nonexistence of Captain America after he no-showed to a Congressional confirmation meeting, though Trump noted that it was of suspicious nature that Captain America never responded to his calls.

“I did not elect to inform President Trump about the inability to appoint Captain America, as I have the utmost faith in his judgment and authority,” Senator Marco Rubio recalled. “We did wait for Captain America for several minutes and finally packed up after Mitch McConnell fell asleep.”

Soon, following the incident, Trump went on a Twitter rant against Marvel, criticizing their audacity to even deny the existence of Captain America. “He was key to #MAGA and those idiots at Marvel want to tell me he doesn’t exist! SAD!” Trump tweeted.

Trump continued his tirade against Marvel in a rally that—according to Trump—was attended by more people than the population of Earth.

“I now forbid Melania from watching any Marvel movie. Instead, she can watch all of DC’s documentaries, which have been appropriately analyzed for alternative facts,” Trump passionately declared. “#FreeMelania? Not under my watch.”

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