A Guide to Final Exams

Finals week might be over, but we all have some takeaways. Here’s our fantastic and simple guide to study for next term’s finals, whether you have 10 or 11 finals:

 

Week before finals week:

Open your 27 textbooks, lay out your 92 study guides, and hope that you have every possible resource available. Make sure that you still have notes from that second Wednesday in September, because—just maybe—your history final has a question about the number of bricks in Versailles.  

 

Sit down and start looking over your material. Be that kid that bugs all of his or her classmates to send their notes and study guides: go big or go home.

 

Weekend before finals week:

Go on Facebook for a few hours and write a couple hundred posts about how you should really be studying, while having YouTube open on the other tab. It’s obviously Crash Course.

 

Day before final:

Morning: Be sure to ponder about the difficulty of your life. Make a study chart on all of the sources of stress in your life. Be sure to check over your journal to ensure that you have written down every single moment of stress.

 

Late Morning: Have a mental breakdown. At some point, you will realize that you know absolutely nothing and have no hope of ever learning anything. Comfort yourself with a long 24-hour nap.

 

Day of final:

Sometime around noon, but we’re not certain because “this cannot be real”: Oh drat! You finally wake up from your long slumber. You’re right on time for your final, and you hastily grab your bag as you start running to the subway.

 

On the platform: You’re waiting, craning your head over the station platform like a giraffe, when—naturally—it is announced that there will be no subway service to Manhattan. You desperately hail a cab that, hopefully, will get you to school only 10 minutes late.

 

In the cab: Start studying. Challenge yourself with a Quizlet flash card pack. Inevitably, you’ll break down into tears after getting a five percent.

 

That’s OKAY. Give up. Who cares? All you are is a speck of dirt in the vastness of the universe. Go storm into that final, and never lose confidence in your ability to fail.

 

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