Spooktator articles

Stuyvesant Speaks to Harambe Through Ouija Board

The Stuyvesant Spiritual Club, in an attempt to attract members, promised to contact Harambe with a Ouija board during its interest meeting last week. “We were planning on broadcasting the results across the loudspeaker,” senior and co-founder James Lee said. “At first, we were worried that no one would believe us, but then we realized

Fashion Advice: Last-Minute, Low-Budget Costumes

On the low end wallet-wise and time-wise? Fear not! Here are some easy-to-achieve Halloween looks.   Tar Pit Ghost: Materials: Garbage bag and scissors Step 1: Cut two eyeholes in garbage bag. Step 2: Wear the bag, positioning the holes in front of face. Optional: Super-glue classmates to floor.   Environmentally-Friendly Mummy: Materials: Two sheets

Stuy’s Strangest Mysteries Uncovered

The Forgotten Dwarves of the Escalators Once upon a time, there were 14 jolly freshmen. They were understandably elated to have been invited to learn here at Stuyvesant, the grandest and most exclusive of antiquity’s schools. They came prepared with all they would ever need—wide-ruled three-subject notebooks, swimming suits, and index cards—but nary in sight

Student Unaware His Voice Has Dropped Too Low to Go Trick-or-Treating

Much to the dismay of his close friends and peers, freshman Kevin Mitchell has reportedly yet to realize that his voice has dropped too low for him to go trick-or-treating this Halloween. With Mitchell unaware that puberty caused his voice to drop from Spongebob Squarepants to Barack Obama over the past 12 months, Mitchell’s friends

Western Political Thought Students Fail Other Classes Due to Existential Angst

According to a new study, students in the lusted-after elective Western Political Thought perform terribly in other subjects. The study placed a group of randomly selected students in the philosophical, discussion-oriented class taught by Matthew Polazzo. After an hour of philosophizing, the students were quizzed on facts in various subjects. Surprisingly, the Western Political Thought

Spooky Horoscopes

Aries Life is about to shower you with rewards—avoid industrial waste factories. Taurus Though we make many assumptions throughout our daily lives, things are not always as they appear. Be sure to say the names of all your friends backwards tomorrow. Gemini Black cats are signs of bad luck and witchcraft. There are going to

Candy Cornography: Sinful Indulgence

At the turn of the century, the Goelitz Company christened their cursed confectionary “Chicken Feed.” Points for accuracy. These insatiable fragments of technicolored wax that soccer moms shovel into our innocent goodie bags ought to be the sustenance for our nation’s poultry, not for our progeny. No poor-costumed child should be subjected to the injury

To Treat or Not To Treat

Every Halloween, high school students reminisce about the last time they went trick-or-treating, and wish they could go back to the time when they could grab some Nerds from their next-door neighbor’s house without feeling awkward about it. I, a junior in high school, have no such shame. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.

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