Humor articles

An Obituary for My New Year’s Resolutions

Dearest Summer, Finally freed from the chains of academic hell – the hallways of Stuyvesant High School – I was ready to begin a beautiful 10-week romance under your blistering sun. But alas, as I prepare myself for inevitably re-entering those Doors of Doom, Death, and Despair, I must come to terms with our impending

Stuyvesant Incoming Class: A Closer Look

Café Amore, a pizzeria between Greenwich and West Broadway on Chambers Street, has seen a 300 percent increase in patrons, corresponding to a trend seen by other usually unfashionable establishments such as Terry’s, the fifth floor cafeteria, and BMCC students selling candy to jumpstart their music careers. These new customers have been described as young

What Type of Stuy Student Are You?

Type A: The Extra One “Isn’t our final project due today?” “Can you have your parents ALSO call? I’m trying to avoid taking the Spanish final.” Strengths: Getting kicked out of a classroom for arguing with the teacher for half of the period (and not understanding why they got kicked out). Weaknesses: Believing they’re the

Photo by TIffany Zhong

2016-2017 Year in Review

        Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. We came into Stuyvesant last September, saved from the derelict mindlessness and reckless idleness of the dreaded summer. Now in June, we are forced to once again contend with the onerous summer, but with a new collection of SAT prep books to accompany us.        

The Pinnacle of Time Management

With the APs quickly approaching, many Stuyvesant students have their noses buried in test-prep books as if they were searching for a second-term senior’s commitment to school. Others completely replace studying with the time-honored tactic of not studying. Sophomore Andrew Werner, on the other hand, has brought his third-best idea—after his wildly successful Flag Rugby

the cure
Art by Klaire Geller

Lady Gaga’s “The Cure” Debuts as a Song and Treatment

After the release of singer Lady Gaga’s “The Cure” Friday night at Coachella, its impacts have not only shaken up the entertainment industry, but another quite unexpected industry as well—the pharmaceutical industry. “I’ve never seen anything quite as extraordinary as this before,” CEO of Gilead Sciences John Milligan said. “I’ve had deprived-of-new-Lady-Gaga-music syndrome for over

NYCDOE to Introduce School Lunches with Less Rubber

In a major victory for the health and nutrition of children attending public schools, the New York City Department of Education (NYCDOE) has announced a new nutritional initiative to reduce the amount of rubber used in school lunches. “As it stands, rubber accounts for about 30 percent of the material used in school lunches,” NYCDOE

Art by Klaire Geller
Art by Klaire Geller

Student Complains “Too Much Break”

As Stuyvesant opened its doors after spring break, excited students streamed in and began kissing the floor, the scanners, and Mr. Moran’s shiny head in their sheer happiness to be back. “I’m just so happy I’m back at Stuyvesant,” freshman Sudat Khan said. “My parents forced me to go to the Caribbean over break, and

A Guide To APs
Art by Joyce Gao

A Guide to APs

AP Psychology:         If you were conscious during the class, you’ll have a good chance of getting a five on the AP. Have some self-efficacy! Make this a self-fulfilling prophesy! AP French?         La baguette! Le pain! Le Pen??!! AP European History: Well, you had the Romans, and then things kind of just got broken

Art by Katherine Lwin
Art by Katherine Lwin

United Airlines Drags Passenger Onboard Underbooked Flight

United Airline’s recent incident involving Dr. David Dao’s violent removal from Flight 3411 inspired an uproar in the media and across many social platforms, creating a nightmarish boycott of the airline. This boycott has caused a severe dip in United’s bookings. Recent accounts report that their planes have been so light that they have experienced